Result

So I have a confession.

I've been running from this blog for several weeks. 

By that I mean I've been avoiding it, because I knew that in my next post I'd have to mention graduation (after all, my time at university, and leading up to it has been a constant theme during the past four years of this blog!). It wasn't really graduation that I was dreading talking about, though of course, my family did manage to embarrass me in front of one of my tutors, and I did find parts of the day quite awkward and hard to get through. Why? Because how do I communicate to my family what the past three years in college have meant to me? How can I explain to them the life I lived, which, since leaving Oxford, no longer even makes sense to myself. 

Anyway, what I was really dreading was having to discuss my exam results. And yes, I do have to talk about them, because I've always written a quick comment about my results, through GCSE, AS-level, A-level and Prelims. Let's be real - studying is something I take seriously and for the past four years or so it has pretty much formed a major part of my life. 

Which is probably contributing to the slightly lost feeling I'm experiencing right now, with my job not starting until 5th August, and having literally no work to do, at all, for the first time since I can remember. I digress. 

I'll cut to the chase; after getting a Distinction in my first year exams I really, really, really wanted to get a First in my Finals exams. It didn't happen. 

In retrospect I realise that I was very lucky with my first-year result - I got an average of 68 or 69% and they rounded up, This year I finished with an average of 68% and they didn't. I got a 2:1. 

Graduation in the Sheldonian theatre, not my photo :P

I should start by saying that there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting a 2:1, it's a good mark and reflects many years of work etc. etc. However, I was especially disappointed as I had achieved a First in a couple of papers, and was 1 mark off a First in my Extended Essay, but was let down by two exams that got a low 2:1. That's the brutality of the Oxford system - you work solidly (as in, almost everyday for 3 years, including 'vacations') and do well in coursework, but ultimately your marks are determined by a week's worth of exams at the end of your third year. If you have a bad couple of days, it undermines a lot of the effort that you put in to the previous 75 tutorial essays.

So, this has been a slightly unpleasant learning experience for me. It has made me re-evaluate my past three years at university - my experiences do not resemble those of my friends at other universities at all - yet I have the same degree classification as many of them. I'm trying extremely hard not to be bitter about the people I know who (having also worked hard) got Firsts, either at Oxford or other universities. This is what it feels like to throw everything at the target, exhausting yourself in the process, and still miss. It hurts. Big time.

I'm getting there though. Several of my friends had exactly the same experience as me - missing the degree classification they wanted by just a couple of marks overall. We're setting ourselves new targets, and telling ourselves that after our first job, no one will care what marks we got anyway. Perhaps that's true.

I felt ill the night before my graduation. What if I was confronted by my tutor? (Everyone in my class had presumed I'd get a First...) What if my peers kept coming up to me and asking about my marks? Would we have to stand up in order of degree classification? Luckily my fears were largely unfounded, though I did have the bizarre experience of staying a hotel room located opposite my third-year room, which was unnerving. I could literally look into the window where I'd spent so many sleepless nights working, and where I'd returned distraught after a couple of disastrous exams...

After some reflection I've realised several important things;

a) Before I came to university I would have been perfectly happy with being told that I would get a 2:1, and do some fun extra-curriculars. I have achieved this,  
b) Before getting my Prelims results I would have been very content to get a high 2:1 overall in my degree.
c) At the end of third year, and even now, I am satisfied with the fact that I came out with a 2:1 and a vaguely sane mentality, rather than suffering any serious mental health problems, for the sake of, and in pursuit of a First.

Onwards and upwards. The liberating thing about being slightly disheartened by my degree classification is that it finally means, after years of schooling and formal education, that life is not just about grades. At moments I produced work that was worthy of a First, but at all times I conducted myself in a ridiculously efficient and studious manner. I completed hundreds of hours of volunteering during my degree, and I tried to consider the welfare of fellow Oxford students, particularly my friends. I rose above a lot of horrible situations and circumstances, and I never stopped trying.

If someone doesn't employ me with this attitude, then they have a heart of stone.

I will talk more about my new job in my next post as I'm aware of how lengthy this one is getting! Stay tuned, I promise the next post will be far more positive! :)

Finals and finality

My life. Since March.

Seeing as a detailed summary would be impossible, I've decided that what would be most accurate is a series of photos with extended captions, You add the rest.

Revision strikes :( although note the phone in the HelloKitty phone sock, that managed to break a month before exams, just to add to the already tense atmospherics. 

Don't want to think about the number of hours, from April until the beginning of June, that I spent in silence, and alone. I kept myself sane by doing some volunteering (including residential events) with the University's Widening Participation scheme, as well as trying to keep up with friends. I deliberately avoided any timetabled commitments, but in retrospect perhaps this would have been a good idea. It's alarming how much some people retreated into themselves during exams, to the point where having a conversation which didn't concern exams became difficult, as did they whenever exams were mentioned. This made life, well...difficult at times.

My escape to the....grey English seaside. 

I went to the coast to see my Dad for a much needed week in the countryside. This photo was taken during the Easter Vacation and captures the weather in all its glory. To be fair, walking along the pier was refreshing, at least.

Goodbye to a good room!

My noticeboard display, in particular the chain of photo memories made for me for my 21st, by some of my friends that I lived with. Those photos gave me a lot of comfort whilst working at my desk all day! I'd already pinned up some postcards and stuff to liven up the all-beige colour scheme of my uni room (remember at Oxford we're essentially in halls for all three years, so we're limited in what we can do to our rooms, decoration-wise).

All of the luck

Lovely view from my window, looking onto the back of a collection of strange-looking buildings. Nice cards though.

Exam carnations! 

At Oxford, it's a tradition to wear different coloured carnations to each exam. You wear them pinned to your white blouse, which students wear as part of the Sub Fusc dress code prescribed for official University exams. The first carnation, for the first exam, is white. Then it's pink carnation time until your final exam, when you finally get to wear the coveted red one!

In case you're wondering, your college children (assigned to you as first-years) buy you your carnations, just as you would have brought them for your "parents" when you were in 2nd year (most people have major exams at the end of their 3rd year). The "parent" system sounds odd, but actually it's a great way to introduce students from different years and subjects to each other, so that people feel more connected in college. My college parents were there for me in first and second year when I had questions about the year ahead, and in the same way, my college children  were another group of people that I could do fun stuff with, and receive comfort food packages from during exams!

You can say what you like about Oxford...but it'll still look this good as you're revising. This photo is of a walkway known as 'Dead man's walk' - I don't know why! Maybe the city hanging tree and gallows used to be near here?

Sorry, can't hear you over the sound of the symmetrical stripes mowed onto this lawn...did I hear "perfection"?
Back of Christchurch and Merton college, with some of Christchurch meadow in the foreground. 

Oxford, the beautiful Botanical Gardens. Free entry for Oxford students! I always made an effort to come here in the summer months, meeting friends and getting out of college. Also for the Amber Spyglass references...  

Port Meadow, slightly rugged, and definitely needed in a city as busy and tourist-flooded as Oxford in June. I went here for the first time after my exams had finished, and I literally felt as though my life had started anew. Great place to bring a book and a packet of sweets. Or to sketch the wildlife, if you're as artistic as some of my friends! 

Farewell dreaming spires! It's been cool watching you when I was supposed to be looking at books...

This photo was taken from the cupola of the Sheldonian theatre, where I'll be graduating from in about 2 weeks' time. Again, I'd never been up here before (or up the spire of St. Mary's, which I also ascended) and made the most of my student ID whilst I still good! I'd recommend it as quite a quiet place to get a good view of Oxford's spires. It's indoors, which also makes it a decent call for overcast days.

Another thing that I did for the first time after exams was to play croquet! I surprised myself by being quite good at it (well, for someone who's never played before) and decided that I liked the game, though mainly for Alice in Wonderland references and the sheer cliche of playing croquet as an Oxford student.

I left Oxford with the feeling that I was happy of everything that I'd achieved, but that I was also happy to leave. I've never been one to cling onto places (although I'm sure I'll be more nostalgic when term starts again in October) so I felt like it was my time to go. After finishing exams I had little else to do, with is a weird sensation in somewhere as work-orientated as Oxford. I'll romanticise it in years to come, no doubt, but at times Oxford could be a very challenging place to live though. However, it is that experience that has made me who I am today, and for that, among other opportunities, I am truly grateful.

Guess who's back (back again?)

Third Year, and its pros/cons

*quick note on photos, I haven't got a digital camera at the moment, so I'm waiting to finish up with my current disposable one before I can get it developed. Hence I don't own any of the photos in the following post, they have been shamefully taken from friends' Facebook pages!

Ok, so this term has been tough. There are quite a few parallels with first year, to be honest;

a) the return of the feeling that you actually have no idea what you're doing
b) the tendency to return to familiar friends/ things rather than try to find new ones (although this isn't entirely true, obviously)
c) the desire to go home and cry about how much work you have to do can be overwhelming 

Just kidding about that last point.

Well, kinda.

So I did actually find that the work/life balance was harder than it had been in 2nd year, or at least. the last half of second year, This basically has to do with the fact that I am spending more time solely on work this year, due to the fact that 100% of my degree is based on my 3rd year performance. There was also the added challenge of the fact that the day before term ended my new thesis supervisor casually informed me that I should probably be on the hunt for new primary sources, seeing as my current proposition probably wasn't steady enough to support 12,000 and original insight etc. I#m trying to tell myself that this isn't the same as starting from scratch but...it's hard to deny that it'll be a lot of work until it's handed in.

Yes, our sports field really does look like this when the sun sets. Problem?

It really is a return to first principles then, I feel like I have, in many ways, come full circle. Just as I felt like I was getting the hang of this whole uni thing, suddenly I feel like someone came along and took the bottom out of the swimming pool I was wading in.

For anyone reading this - don't be scared. The fact that I've worked the hardest I've ever worked during my final year of university is really unsurprising, It's like the fact that I'd always worked "the hardest I've ever worked" every year at school, as I went through GCSEs, AS levels, A2s etc. Although GCSEs were slightly different because there were just SO MANY exams that summer, about 25 hours in total if I remember correctly.

At least there's only 15 hours of exams next June, yay!

Christmas formal

Now for the positives, I had to get my kicks somewhere. Here are some of my highlights of the last term, so that when I look back on this post I don't think that I just spent the last eight weeks completely miserable;

> Movie nights with friends including a copious amount of sweet food. So simple. So satisfying.
> Watching The Imitation Game with flatmates, at the cinema. Yeah, I cried.
> Going to see a student performance of Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials (they did the same as the Golden Compass film really, covered all of the plot from Northern Lights and then half of The Subtle Knife). There was a fake snow machine and paper mache heads for the daemons. Need I say more.
> Seeing the Japanese studio Ghibli film The Wind Rises with subtitles. Shown in a lecture theatre, by good old-fashioned projection.
> College Christmas party. Chocolate fountain, photo booth and the chance to dress up whilst listening to live Christmas music.
> That time I was having a bad day and the Christmas tree was put up in the middle of the library quad (ditto the time that I was sick of work, checked my post and had received a chocolate bar from an anonymous friend - and all of the times I know for an actual fact that my friends hid chocolate in my kitchen cupboard!)
> The Christmas tree in kitchen quad that was decorated with food including lemon slices and chili peppers

NOT the food Christmas tree from my college, sadly. This is the big one outside Balliol, on Broad Street. 

I still managed to do some stuff outside of studying and having an (albeit infrequent) social life. This included a photoshoot for the new undergrad prospectus, helping to run a stall at Fresher's fair, volunteering in the museum that I know live opposite, and even a quick morning of office work for the department I often volunteer with at university.

Songs that got me through term:

Nope, definitely not a record of the latest trends, nor are they really modern classics. Just what I've found featured highly on my Youtube watch history.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7T9Yd_sNMs 

John Legend - All of Me

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIh2xe4jnpk

MAGIC! - Rude

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNFi-nOZlAI

Kate Rusby - Village Green Preservation Society

That's all I can think of for now, I think this post is long enough. I might update again quickly after Christmas, but we'll see how it goes :)

What She Did Next, April - June 2014

View from the Old Bodelian library, towards the Radcliffe Camera. Upper floor reading room, my favourite place to work, probably. 

I confess that I've stolen many of these photos (but not all of them!) from my Facebook. I just don't have that many good photos of Oxford, and in a city this beautiful, there's a limit to what you can physically photograph in a single term! I'll add captions as we go, and if I haven't stated that a particular photo is mine, then presume it isn't, and I won't try to take credit for it! 

Main quad of Teddy (St. Edmund) Hall, where I've had tutorials this term.

Oxford looks fantastic in the sunshine, it attracts tourists like a honey-trap. Literally, a sandstone-formed honey-trap. All that glistens is not gold, however...

Main quad facing medieval cottages, Worcester college.

It's strange. This term I had no exams, and being 2nd year, everyone told me that I was in for the summer of a lifetime, a blissful world of eternal sunshine compared to that of the Freshers doing Prelims, and certainly a world away from the furious work ethic of the Finalists. On the one hand, I blame myself for buying into the hype, but on the other, I'll admit that I was statistically unlucky, but also that some elements of the stress I experienced were my fault, due to the fact that I often internalise stuff, and get overwhelmed, probably too easily.

Towards main quad from Nuffield lawn, Worcester college. 

Work wasn't the problem. I mean, it wasn't great, but that was because of how much time my mind was wasting dwelling on other things. The main things being my upcoming trip to China, which still has a few vital necessities to be sorted (insurance, health forms, final arrival arrangements) and, more seriously, the fact that several of my friends became quite seriously mentally ill. I don't want to make the tone of this blog post overly dark, and I feel very much as though I've now "been there and got the t-shirt" as far as the past 6 weeks or so are concerned. It was difficult (and naturally a thousand times worse for them) but I hope, in the long run, that experiencing stuff like this at the age of 20, and learning from the experience, should equip me for scenarios of a similar nature that may well occur in my future.

Ultimately, isn't that what university is supposed to be about; not just the French Wars of Religion, or the Court of Henry VIII, it's about stress, knowing how to help others, and stay afloat yourself, and taking moments to yourself so that you have happy memories to return to when needed.

St. Hugh's college

That's enough about that for now. This isn't a blog about student mental health issues, I just thought that it was an important point to raise, rather than describing my university life falsely, through a montage of sunny landscapes and concise captions. Some things are beyond the lines.

Anyway, above is a photo of where I did one of the Easter Residentials that I worked on with part of the Widening Participation programmes at Oxford. It was a fantastic experience, I got to stay in a different college for a few days, see a different part of town, meet new Oxford Uni students and of course many more secondary school students from around Oxford, who were revising for their GCSEs. The Easter residentials I worked on were some of the highlights of my vacation, and I seriously think that working with other people, and thinking that you're making a positive impact on their life, is one of the greatest cures for personal anxieties and worries.

Corpus Christi college's Tortoise fair! This is actually my photo.

A great afternoon out, based on an old college tradition - tortoise racing! So glad I got to see this (well not actually see much, because look at the crowd and consider that I'm only 5"2...) because it's such an "Oxford" thing. My friends at home could hardly believe the event description! It was lovely to get out of college and explore somewhere new, and I even got to hold a tortoise - who wouldn't be pleased with that?

OxHoli, Hindu festival of colour, Merton sports field, by St. Catherine's college. This is my photo from a safe distance!

OxHoli. Coloured powder, meets cheap white clothing, and lots of water, usually fired out of plastic water guns, or (in the case of me and my friends) just mixed into the cups of powder to make a wonderful, rainbow-coloured sludge to chuck at people. Such amazing stress relief. Things got messy, so much so that my clothes from that day (including shoes) remain in a carrier bag under my bed...it also took 3 hair washes for my hair to feel normal again.

Oxford Botanical garden, sadly not my photo!

This place is my great escape. I feel slightly guilty when I slip off here by myself, but it really is a great place to be alone, if that doesn't sound weird (esp. if you're a fan of His Dark Materials). Plus if you're an Oxford student, you get in for free! Can't beat that smug feeling of sailing past lines of tourists...

Punting by Magdalen bridge! I've been punting here, but actually in a boat, so I didn't take this one either :P

Punting is great (you get wetter than you think, even if you're not paddling/ punting). I was consumed by exam fever last year and so didn't get to go. This year I saw sense and insisted that we did. Willows, ducklings, people doing bridge stunts. Singing in a round, and exploring abandoned furniture discarded on a river bank. It was pretty special.

Zoom the tortoise! Tortoise fair, my picture, (such good quality)  woop!

You know why I like tortoises? Because they're decades old, and they just get on with life. Stuff changes, but they change very little, or if they do, they're constantly adapting so they only appear the same. We could all learn from that. Also, the amount of salad that they eat is commendable.

Corpus Christi college, front quad, decorated for the fair, reminded me of the festival/ dance scene in Disney's Tangled

Another image, that of The History Boys in which one of the boys visits the college when called to Oxford for interview, thinking it to be the former college of his favourite teacher. I remember seeing that film for the first time 2 years ago, when I was caught in the terrible limbo between sitting my A2s and getting my results.

I feel as though this post has been sufficiently long enough to explain my absence, well, if you add the 9 essays and 1 presentation I also prepared in the last 8 weeks, as well as two trips to London to sort my Chinese visa. Let's not even count the number of lectures & classes on top of that.That's pretty much it, I can only hint at the rest, as is the nature of rambling blogs about life.

One regret of term - not getting to play croquet. Me and some friends were originally entered into a university-wide competition, but due to issues with equipment and scheduling matches, it never happened. Next year Oxford, next year I'll come prepared...

PS, a reminder, my sister's blog link is; http://i-like-to-be-in-america.blogspot.co.uk/ . She's currently in her 2nd or 3rd week of being an adventure camp counselor in New York state, U.S.A :)

What She Did, January - March 2014

The Radcliffe Camera, also the History Faculty library, and where I seem to spend a good deal of my waking life  in Oxford

The cameras, the books, the tourists. There's only one RadCam. There's even bicycles in the foreground, and if you look closely, my friends and I are standing in the doorway of the old entrance, dressed in our Midway costumes. Midway is the celebration held in Oxford college (sometimes called "Halfway hall") to remind you that you're now halfway through your degree. Time to start thinking about life in the Outside, and the future and stuff. Scary.

Actually, it's a really fun day, especially at my college where people make their own costumes and have photos taken in fancy dress as well as formal. In addition, you get a great meal in the evening - see below!

Everyone's favourite members of college...

College in spring is fantastic. It looks so much better than winter, it feels so much better than winter, and you don't have all the swarms of tourists that crowd into college from May/June time...

The cast of an Italian farce, "The Servant of Two Masters", performed by JCR students

Student drama! As well as Cuppers, the annual inter-collegiate drama competition, there are constant performances going on in Oxford colleges. Often low-budget (which means low ticket price!) student drama is ever enthusiastic and a great way to de-stress or just procrastinate.

I turned 20!

Halfway to forty. Or, just a bit closer to 21. Slightly unnerving, because in my mind, your 20s are when most people's lives start really taking shape. By thirty most people have had serious jobs, serious relationships, serious cars/ houses/ bills, serious everything. Seems I have a lot to look forward to.

BLUE PANCAKES!

Breaking Bad blue pancakes. The blue actually a rum glaze that had been used to ice the cake for a mutual friend, who'd just been awarded a Blue, an award given by Oxford and Cambridge to sportspeople who compete and win against each other in the annual Varsity competition. Tasted great, and so "Oxford"!

Escaping to Christchurch meadows

How I spend my sunny Sunday afternoons...

Great scenery, relaxed atmosphere. I'd finished practically all of my work for the term, and so decided that taking photos of the meadows and surrounding gardens was a worthy way to spend an afternoon out of college, and even (slightly) out of town. I love the fact that despite living less than 10 minutes from central Oxford, we can still walk to places as spectacular as this.

Midway Formal dinner!

As I said! Students are still in their fancy dress costumes from earlier, and we enjoyed a four course meal (there's a cheese and biscuit course after the dessert) with port at the end. Speeches are made, people are fined, and many photos are taken.

Varsity fencing, which takes places in the incredible setting of Examination Schools

Ok, so I'm cheating here, I didn't take this photo or watch the Varsity fencing. But this photo made me wish I did. Although most universities in the UK have a sporting rival (in fact, forget the UK, I think this is pretty universal) I'd say that Oxford vs. Cambridge is most epic. It's been going on for nearly 800 years (the Boat Race though, began in 1829) and students at both institutions are used to, and probably want to, be the best at everything. Plus, look at the backdrop for these sporting events, it's insane!