On anxiety, being over 22.5, and unemployed

I could blog about how great my time in China was, earlier this year. About the friends I made, the places I went, the things I saw. If you want to read about any of those things, you can find them here.

However, it's been over four months since I returned from China, and the travelling that I did afterwards (northern Thailand/ Chiang Mai really does deserve the hype...). Since then, things haven't been quite so great. I've made more than 40 job applications, and had over 20 interviews, but I'm still searching for work. I've done dozens of online tests and assessments, written scores of covering letters, and re-drafted my CV numerous times. And it starts to eat at you.

For the first few months I remained calm and patient. I was happy to be back in the UK again, seeing family and friends, plus, I knew that people often searched for a suitable job for "months". That's fine, I thought, I can wait a month or two. But progress was painfully slow. Many of my applications never received any kind of response. Sometimes a company might take a month to get back to me - with a rejection. I started to despair as October came to an end, and I was bored of living at home again and being mildly broke.

Every new months that has come around since August I'd keep muttering to myself "THIS will be my month, I know it, I can feel it". Now December is approaching, and I don't say that kind of thing anymore. There honestly comes a stage when you stop telling friends and extended family about job interviews, and even job offers, because you've become so used to things not working out. I've had a number of "near-misses" in the past four months, and they've been tough. Some examples;

• Doing what I thought what a good face-to-face interview, after sending in my CV for a vacancy and having a telephone interview. Then I received a phone call asking if I "would like to continue with my application". I was confused, "yes, of course!" I replied. I never heard anything from that company again. 
• Being really excited that I was about to be paid for a blog article I was writing for a student website. about the benefits of living and working in Asia after graduation. I had written the draft article, and the chief editor gave it the go-ahead. When I sent in the final copy, complete with an infographic that I'd made, I got an email from another editor that I'd never corresponded with before, telling me that the chief editor was away, but my piece had been cancelled, and I wasn't getting paid for the work I'd done. 
• Flunking out of the Civil Service Fast Stream application after getting rejected after the first round - which was an online "Personality Questionnaire". Awkward. 
• Being offered a tour-guiding job in China, only for my potential employers to then get back to me by saying that, actually, I didn't qualify for a Chinese work visa after all...so the job was a no-go. 
• Having to cancel an interview and decline another interview for two different Social-Mobility charities in London, after realising that, with the salary that they were offering, I couldn't afford to eat and commute to London and back for the internships. Irony. 
• Not getting an interview for a job that I kind of fell in love with (NOTE: Never do this whilst job-hunting, at least until you get an interview, don't even get attached to the idea of yourself in a certain job). The job in question combined Schools partnerships in the UK, Education/ Charity work and SE Asia. I felt like my previous experience matched every specification point on the job description, but no luck there. 

I could write more examples, but there's little point - the purpose was just to highlight some of the many reasons why it's not always as straight forward to find "a job" as people might think. At the moment, I'm technically employed in two different part-time tutoring jobs. But I really do regard these as temporary employment, not something to really base my career on. I've had another two temporary jobs since the start of September, but I only lasted about a month each in each of them. One was in a "learning centre" where the behaviour of the children was so bad (and the disciplinary procedures so absent) that I was too stressed to continue. Another was an online/ Skype job, with a Chinese company, which started out really cool (with me writing for their blog, editing articles and doing product research) and ended with them trying to force me to make sales calls to their UK customers. I refused. I resigned. That wasn't what I had signed up for at all, and no other team members were made to do it.

However, I've actually learned a great deal in these last couple of months. I feel like I've become a stronger person after having to constantly re-evaluate myself after every Competency form, every hopeful application. On top of that, having more free time has meant that I've been able to revisit some old hobbies, and develop some new skills, including;

• cooking/ baking (especially Thai and Indian curries!)
• watercolour painting (especially natural scenes, plants and flowers, at this time of year)
• Hindi (basically revising that things that I knew off by heart in India, this time last year!)
• Mandarin Chinese (Trying to keep up my current level of reading/ writing/ listening)
• Reading stuff that I never got round to at uni, Sense and Sensibility, Midnight's Children, and more modern classics like Orange is the New Black.  

I've also learnt some random things from the temporary employment that I have had. I've had to revise aspects of GCSE Maths for Numerical Tests, and for tutoring. I've learnt how to make infographics on different websites, and how to use online software like Trello. On a simpler level, I've even learnt how to use secondary platforms, like LinkedIn, to search for jobs, rather than relying on the already-crowded watering holes of Indeed, and Guardian/ Target Jobs etc. 

Things are looking up. Next month there's Christmas and New Year to look forward to. I'm resigning one of the tutoring jobs that I'm doing at the moment, as I'm not really enjoying it and I don't make that much money from it. I'm also hoping to hear back about some travel grants that I've applied to, and even if they fail, then I'll probably still book myself a trip somewhere nice (somewhere sunny in Eastern Europe? Or I could push the boat out further...Cambodia?) for 2017, so that I can take a real break from obsessively checking my phone and emails, diary in hand. Of course, I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that some of the jobs that I;m currently applying for might turn up trumps next month! 

On the whole though, I think one thing that the last 1/3rd of a year has really taught me is that there are a lot of graduates in my position. I had this naive idea all through university (and probably school too) that I'd graduate, and somehow walk into my dream job, whatever that might be. I underestimated the competition, and just how excruciatingly slow the process can be. Yet I also underestimate myself. A year ago, or maybe even six months ago, when I was first sending out those tentative initial job applications, I'd have never believed that I could really learn anything whilst I was living back in my old room, dependent and fairly isolated. But I have, and I'm still learning. Everything happens for a reason, and clearly something is still waiting out there for me, I just need the courage and patience to seek it out. Good things come to those who wait, right?

China; 7 days until departure

Beijing Normal University, Zhuhai campus, summer 2014

Whilst I still have a few final details to sort out before the middle of next week (picking up anti-malarials, printing my plane ticket, writing a packing list, getting the name of the place where I'll be staying in Chinese characters etc...) I'm excited to launch my China travel blog, Chinese Whispers, with a theme that I've been dying to try out on Wordpress. See the work-in-progress here;

https://nikitainchinablog.wordpress.com/

I'll be updating this blog for the next couple of months, with all of my antics and adventures in The Middle Kingdom (the literal translation of "China" in Mandarin Chinese). I don't know which I'm more hyped about; moving to China for half a year or setting up a new blog to document it all! Can't wait to see how the mosaic-style home page fills with photos and posts in the near future! 

2016 and what it might mean for me.

I've neglected this blog for far too long.

I'm in a strange sort of limbo at the moment, having been back from India a month, and heading off again in another month.

My noticeboard, which has evolved into something of a Travel Shrine. 

However, a few things to mention before I get into all of that;

• http://joyfulpostpanda.tumblr.com/ --> new artsy Tumblr thing, where I'll be posting edited images themed around all things India and travel. 
• This blog has officially hit 10,100 views! I can't really believe it, the little project I started at the age of 16 to showcase some GCSE Artwork is still going nearly 5 years later. I'd like to think that it's moved on a bit since then, but it remains a sort of hybrid between an online diary of sorts and a notebook of thoughts & ideas for me. Thanks as always to my regular followers, as well as anyone just dropping by (usually re-directed from Google Image searches, as my Blogger stats inform me!)

So, I didn't think that I'd been up to that much since returning from India, but I've actually been quite busy, travelling hundreds of miles up and down the country by train, visiting friends and family before I depart for another 5 months+ jaunt abroad, 

It's important to touch base with people in between these adventures, otherwise I worry that they'll think I've forgotten them. Plus so much has physically happened since they last saw me that I need to fill them in on some stuff (and vice versa) or we'll never be able to catch-up!

And what next?

Well, here's a small hint...

Not quite to scale, obviously. 

When in China...

The Wanderer has returned! And she has photos (despite having to abandon a very worn out and much-loved, broken 5 year old Samsung digital camera in a Beijing hotel)! Camera, you served me well, and visited three continents. Phone camera, you are not as good in quality, but make up for it in perseverance, good job!

The campus at Beijing Normal University, Zhuhai. Complete with mountains, lakes, sub-tropical plants, butterflies and terrapins... 

 For the first two weeks of my time in China I was based on a university campus in Zhuhai, a Special Economic Area just across the water from Hong Kong, and obviously on the mainland. Zhuhai started in the 1980s as a state-funded commercial venture, attracting people from the cities to move south, where there is cleaner air and more space. Now, the city seems to function as a holiday destination for northern Chinese people, especially those from Beijing who might want to escape the smog. The city was developing rapidly, with new apartment blocks appearing all over the place. However, inside the bubble of the campus, I was much more preoccupied with the novelty of sitting back in a classroom, and having lectures. Not to mention the fantastic outdoor pool, surrounded by palm trees...

Traditional courtyard-style Cantonese restaurant in Zhuhai

The Chinese students, who were from both the Zhuhai and the Beijing campuses of Beijing Normal University, were incredible hosts, translating menus for those westerners who were useless at both Mandarin and Cantonese, and taking us to places filled with history, or just great food! At the restaurant pictured above, we had a morning tea of dim sum, little snacks which were mostly either sweet cakes, meat dumplings, and other vegetable dishes, all brought to the middle of the table for everyone to share. I'm not so keen on seafood, but the rice cakes, egg tarts and New Year cake were lovely, I could definitely get used to having cakes for breakfast!

Potted Bonsai tree!

 We went to the former home of Dr. Sun Yat-Sen. Dr. Sun Yat-Sen is regarded as a "founding father" of the People's Republic of China, despite not being Communist. Dr. Sun Yat-Sen helped to facilitate the transition between China under the last emperor of the Qing (sometimes Ch'ing) dynasty in 1911, and the beginning of a new republic. Now, his home village is preserved, complete with a modern museum, and various artifacts.

Traditional lucky red lanterns hang on a doorway of the preserved village of the revolutionary leader Dr. Sun Yat-Sen

 The natural surroundings of the museum were nice, very green, with some of the buildings brightly painted. Yet, there was something distinctly eery about walking around a preserved village, as though there had been some kind of natural disaster and everyone had just got up and run without taking any of their belongings, never returning. Maybe I just have a morbid imagination...

Local temple

 The temple we visited in Zhuhai could be found by getting off the bus in (what seemed to be) the middle of nowhere. One of the students showed us how to correctly enter the temple (depending on your gender you put a different leg forward when stepping over the threshold) and also how to make offerings using incense. Fresh fruit was offered by statues as well as candles and ribbons with prayers written on them. I couldn't get over how colourful everything was, and how much gold there was, on jewellery, painted figures.

Catholic cathedral in Guangzhou 

 My group, compromising of five Chinese students, myself and a student from the University of Birmingham, went on a day trip to the provincial capital of Guangdong, called Guangzhou. Guangzhou has a modern shopping centre and train station, but it also has great street food (egg waffles!) and many reminders, that this city was once called Canton, home of the dialect of Cantonese, and with a European influence. In the 19th century there was a strong French presence in the area, in the same way that the British were able to hold some sway over Shanghai. As a result, we came across some very incongruous European-style architecture, in the middle of a bustling (and, it has to be said, quite dirty) modern Chinese city. The fast speed train got us to Guangzhou from Zhuhai in about 2 hours, but although Guangzhou still felt provincial, it was the first time that I'd seen foreigners since arriving in Zhuhai.

Temple of Heaven, Beijing

 After finishing our research in Zhuhai (where we looked at the training of student volunteers, and carried out interviews in English and Mandarin) we got the 21 hour train to Beijing. Oh my. The train, the train. There were no doors on the compartments (hard sleeper) and 6 beds in a cabin. Craziness. The lights automatically shut out at 10pm, and at 7am someone came round and opened all the curtains, and let in the bright sunlight. I lived off mainly biscuits and crisps, unfortunately, and just before we reached Beijing, the train ran out of water, and so the toilets didn't flush, nor did the sinks function. Yet, this was still the best train ride of my life.

The international students outraged and entertained the Chinese students by playing hours of "truth or dare" and parading down the train corridor and into different compartments performing various stunts. We sat, 4-to-a-bed and discussed life, our feet dangling over the railings. We stared out of the window, and watched the scenery switch from peaceful fishing lakes, and blue mountains, lit by lanterns, to industrial development on the scale of Pandemonium in Milton's Paradise Lost. By the time we arrived n Beijing, it was like entering the New World, full of more people, wealth and history than had been seen before.

The Great Wall at Mutianyu 

 We only actually had 5 days at the Beijing campus whilst we were still on the internship. We attended some more lectures, mainly concerning the history of the University, its current study programmes and modern Chinese politics, which was fascinating, We presented our projects and some academic staff walked around to examine display posters showing our research findings. We looked at the museums contained on campus, and tried some northern Chinese food in the canteens. Before we'd blinked, it was time for the Closing ceremony, with a video of the past 3 weeks, and speeches in Chinese and English. Representatives from both the Chinese and UK universities presented, and certificates were handed out. After saying goodbye and exchanging gifts, everyone parted ways, and our independent travelling began!

One of the most memorable things we did in Beijing (or technically outside of the city, towards some mountains) was to climb the Great Wall at Mutianyu. It's less crowded than the section of the Wall at Badaling, and was well worth the complicated bus-minibus/ taxi journey, though we ended up on a very slow bus on the way back! Anyway, it rained slightly on the day we went, which was good for washing away tourists (being British, we stuck to our guns and had whole sections of the Wall to ourselves as a reward!) but bad because it meant that we couldn't go on the toboggan slide back down, which would have been awesome. Luckily the cable-car made for a good substitute.

Goldfish Market, Tung Choi Street, Hong Kong. Goldfish are seen as being lucky, and able to bring luck into a household. Apparently if something bad happens to the fish, it's good, because it means it didn't happen to you!

 I spent a total of 10 days sight-seeing in Beijing after the official end of the internship. I saw most of the main sites, and thoroughly enjoyed them, but I won't go through them all on here. The metro system is efficient, though crowded, and in general, the food is tasteful and good value for money. My friend and I got used to locating the busy shopping streets, and then walking down a side street or two until we found somewhere that let us sit out on the street and eat. My favourite dishes were spicy pot-fried sliced potato, and of course, Peking duck, either in pancakes with plum sauce and cucumber, or just in slices with rice. There was also this good green bean and aubergine dish which we had in a couple of different places. At this point, my suitcase broke, and I brought a new one from a shop on Qiamen street. Oh, and we visited the Pearl Market several times to buy souvenirs for family & friends. Haggling was pretty intense, and there was this one stall I refused to walk past because this woman scared me so much, she was very persistent!

Hennessy Road, Hong Kong, the youth hostel that I stayed in was on the left hand side, and my room was on the 6th floor

 After Beijing, I headed to Hong Kong. I've made it sound simple, but there was actually 13 hours of delays, and a night at the airport involved, including 4 hours of queuing to get onto another flights, at about 3am-7am (stupid tropical storms!). Enough about that, I got there eventually!

The glorious thing about Hong Kong is that you can nearly always be understood in English, and that it is comfortably western (goodbye squat toilets!) whilst still being definitely exotic to a westerner, and appealing in that way. The combination of shopping districts, neon lights and bamboo scaffolding made me think "Asian New York" at first, but Hong Kong is so much more than that.

Temple on Lantau island

 Lantau island was the place where I spent most of my time in Hong Kong, despite staying in Causeway Bay, and despite the fact that the MTR system stops at Tung Chung, on the north of the island. A personal highlight of my whole trip was the day that I went with a group of people from the youth hostel, and we got the ferry to Lantau, then a public bus, then hiked up and beyond a nature trail, until... we reached a waterfall with an infinity pool!

Infinity pool on Lantau island - NOT my photo!

The view from the peak we hiked up on Lantau island, overlooking a beach, again NOT my photo, sadly :(

Statues by the Big Buddha

Ngong Ping, Lantau island is also home to the centre of Hong Kong's Buddhism. The Giant Buddha has become one of Hong Kong's newest and most popular tourist attractions. It's the biggest bronze outdoor statue of the Buddha in the world, and it was completed in 1993. It's called the "Tian Tan Buddha" (named after the model it was based on, the Temple of Heaven in Beijing, see above), and it symbolises peace and harmony between man and the natural world.

The walk up to the Big Buddha, Lantau island

 Stunning outlook on a day this sunny and clear, but also scorching hot! I had to stop several times on the stairs on the way up and down, but at least I got a chance to properly take in the scenery.

International landmark signpost! Reminded me of my sister, and myself in NYC, this time last year...

Neon street lights in Wan Chai

 This was another thing I liked about Hong Kong. It felt pretty safe to walk around central areas at night, even when I was by myself. There were always so many shops open, and people everywhere, that the place didn't really seem to go quiet until the early hours of the morning, where as in Beijing the metro stations definitely closed earlier. There was a huge choice of markets to visit, Stanley Market, the Ladies' market, the Temple Street night market, and also the day markets, like the Goldfish and Flower market (pictured above) which were fun to walk around.

Probably the most famous view in Hong Kong, Victoria Harbour at night

Final favourite thing of the trip (I promise!). Sitting on the promenade by the clock tower (the former Canton railway tower) and waiting for the sun to go down to take photos of the harbour. There were a lot of families around, and, inevitably, foreign tourists (who am I to criticise on that front?) but I just have this memory of this one old man, sat by himself on the railings, looking out at the water, and muttering, as though he couldn't believe all of the bright lights and boats. Perhaps he remembers the same place 40 or 50 years ago, maybe he doesn't like all of the crowds and the cameras. Or maybe he's just an old man who likes looking at the view, and comes there every night. I don't know, but it was somehow refreshing to see him there.

So there you have it, that's what I've been up to for the past 5 weeks. I can't summarise in a sentence how eye-opening this trip was, and to say that it was "life changing" in a lot of ways is cliche, but still true. My overwhelming impression was of the enormous variety of experiences to be had in China, and that things are far less homogeneous up close, compared to how they are viewed in the west. I think what will stay with me the longest is the kindness shown to us foreigners by the Chinese students who were willing to speak to us about anything, and show us the things that were beyond words. It was a completely out-of-this-world welcome which consequently developed into genuine friendship, and certainly this is something that I think we should all consider sharing, wherever and whoever we are today,  

What She Did Next, April - June 2014

View from the Old Bodelian library, towards the Radcliffe Camera. Upper floor reading room, my favourite place to work, probably. 

I confess that I've stolen many of these photos (but not all of them!) from my Facebook. I just don't have that many good photos of Oxford, and in a city this beautiful, there's a limit to what you can physically photograph in a single term! I'll add captions as we go, and if I haven't stated that a particular photo is mine, then presume it isn't, and I won't try to take credit for it! 

Main quad of Teddy (St. Edmund) Hall, where I've had tutorials this term.

Oxford looks fantastic in the sunshine, it attracts tourists like a honey-trap. Literally, a sandstone-formed honey-trap. All that glistens is not gold, however...

Main quad facing medieval cottages, Worcester college.

It's strange. This term I had no exams, and being 2nd year, everyone told me that I was in for the summer of a lifetime, a blissful world of eternal sunshine compared to that of the Freshers doing Prelims, and certainly a world away from the furious work ethic of the Finalists. On the one hand, I blame myself for buying into the hype, but on the other, I'll admit that I was statistically unlucky, but also that some elements of the stress I experienced were my fault, due to the fact that I often internalise stuff, and get overwhelmed, probably too easily.

Towards main quad from Nuffield lawn, Worcester college. 

Work wasn't the problem. I mean, it wasn't great, but that was because of how much time my mind was wasting dwelling on other things. The main things being my upcoming trip to China, which still has a few vital necessities to be sorted (insurance, health forms, final arrival arrangements) and, more seriously, the fact that several of my friends became quite seriously mentally ill. I don't want to make the tone of this blog post overly dark, and I feel very much as though I've now "been there and got the t-shirt" as far as the past 6 weeks or so are concerned. It was difficult (and naturally a thousand times worse for them) but I hope, in the long run, that experiencing stuff like this at the age of 20, and learning from the experience, should equip me for scenarios of a similar nature that may well occur in my future.

Ultimately, isn't that what university is supposed to be about; not just the French Wars of Religion, or the Court of Henry VIII, it's about stress, knowing how to help others, and stay afloat yourself, and taking moments to yourself so that you have happy memories to return to when needed.

St. Hugh's college

That's enough about that for now. This isn't a blog about student mental health issues, I just thought that it was an important point to raise, rather than describing my university life falsely, through a montage of sunny landscapes and concise captions. Some things are beyond the lines.

Anyway, above is a photo of where I did one of the Easter Residentials that I worked on with part of the Widening Participation programmes at Oxford. It was a fantastic experience, I got to stay in a different college for a few days, see a different part of town, meet new Oxford Uni students and of course many more secondary school students from around Oxford, who were revising for their GCSEs. The Easter residentials I worked on were some of the highlights of my vacation, and I seriously think that working with other people, and thinking that you're making a positive impact on their life, is one of the greatest cures for personal anxieties and worries.

Corpus Christi college's Tortoise fair! This is actually my photo.

A great afternoon out, based on an old college tradition - tortoise racing! So glad I got to see this (well not actually see much, because look at the crowd and consider that I'm only 5"2...) because it's such an "Oxford" thing. My friends at home could hardly believe the event description! It was lovely to get out of college and explore somewhere new, and I even got to hold a tortoise - who wouldn't be pleased with that?

OxHoli, Hindu festival of colour, Merton sports field, by St. Catherine's college. This is my photo from a safe distance!

OxHoli. Coloured powder, meets cheap white clothing, and lots of water, usually fired out of plastic water guns, or (in the case of me and my friends) just mixed into the cups of powder to make a wonderful, rainbow-coloured sludge to chuck at people. Such amazing stress relief. Things got messy, so much so that my clothes from that day (including shoes) remain in a carrier bag under my bed...it also took 3 hair washes for my hair to feel normal again.

Oxford Botanical garden, sadly not my photo!

This place is my great escape. I feel slightly guilty when I slip off here by myself, but it really is a great place to be alone, if that doesn't sound weird (esp. if you're a fan of His Dark Materials). Plus if you're an Oxford student, you get in for free! Can't beat that smug feeling of sailing past lines of tourists...

Punting by Magdalen bridge! I've been punting here, but actually in a boat, so I didn't take this one either :P

Punting is great (you get wetter than you think, even if you're not paddling/ punting). I was consumed by exam fever last year and so didn't get to go. This year I saw sense and insisted that we did. Willows, ducklings, people doing bridge stunts. Singing in a round, and exploring abandoned furniture discarded on a river bank. It was pretty special.

Zoom the tortoise! Tortoise fair, my picture, (such good quality)  woop!

You know why I like tortoises? Because they're decades old, and they just get on with life. Stuff changes, but they change very little, or if they do, they're constantly adapting so they only appear the same. We could all learn from that. Also, the amount of salad that they eat is commendable.

Corpus Christi college, front quad, decorated for the fair, reminded me of the festival/ dance scene in Disney's Tangled

Another image, that of The History Boys in which one of the boys visits the college when called to Oxford for interview, thinking it to be the former college of his favourite teacher. I remember seeing that film for the first time 2 years ago, when I was caught in the terrible limbo between sitting my A2s and getting my results.

I feel as though this post has been sufficiently long enough to explain my absence, well, if you add the 9 essays and 1 presentation I also prepared in the last 8 weeks, as well as two trips to London to sort my Chinese visa. Let's not even count the number of lectures & classes on top of that.That's pretty much it, I can only hint at the rest, as is the nature of rambling blogs about life.

One regret of term - not getting to play croquet. Me and some friends were originally entered into a university-wide competition, but due to issues with equipment and scheduling matches, it never happened. Next year Oxford, next year I'll come prepared...

PS, a reminder, my sister's blog link is; http://i-like-to-be-in-america.blogspot.co.uk/ . She's currently in her 2nd or 3rd week of being an adventure camp counselor in New York state, U.S.A :)